Autumnal Equinox
By A. Manley Haight

Part 1/11
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Story
Erotica: Giles/Buffy
A Blast Furnace Production
Copyright (C) 1999 by A. Manley Haight
ahaight@earthlink.net

RATING: NC-17

Flames are welcome and are, in fact, encouraged for psychological study.

This story is not in any way intended to infringe on copyrights held by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, or Time Warner. It may not be reproduced or redistributed in any form, electronic or otherwise, without the written permission of the author and the publisher. This story is distributed for the individual personal entertainment of persons of legal age for viewing sexually explicit material in areas where such viewing is legal. Okay to archive on Naked Place.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Although I am not an herbalist or any kind of expert on herbal or holistic medicine, I have researched it on and off over the past few years. I'm taking some liberties in this story, so if it looks like I'm making something up, I probably am.

I'm also proceeding from the presumption that Giles and Jenny were not romantically involved, and have taken some other liberties with chronology.

"Hey, Buffy, you okay?" Willow reached out to touch her best friend.

"Yeah, yeah I think so," Buffy said quietly, putting her hands on the lab table to steady herself. "Just got sorta dizzy there for a second."

"It's been a couple of days since you said you weren't feeling good," Willow observed. "You sure you're not coming down with that Hong Kong flu?"

"Jeez, I hope not. That's all I need. Blowing chow for three days."

"Maybe you should tell Giles," Willow said. "It might be, you know, less flu-like and more curse-like."

"Good point," Buffy said. "I do feel kinda funky. And my dreams have been really weird."

"Dreams?" Willow said. "Prophecy dreams?"

"If they are, I'm in big trouble."

****

"Hey, Giles!" she called out brightly as she and Willow entered the library after school that day.

"Oh, hello Buffy," he said, emerging from his office. "Hello, Willow."

"Buffy's not feeling well," Willow explained. "We think it could be a magic thing, or a spell or something."

"Indeed?" Giles said, attentive now. He came over to them and put his book down on the table. Buffy held still as he held her face and looked into her eyes one at a time. "Do you have any particular reason to think so? Unusual symptoms?"

"Well, no, I don't think so," Willow said. "I mean, Buffy didn't really give me a list or anything. I'm just being paranoid."

"There is a flu virus going around," Giles said, "which I've already had. I could have given it to you, or you could have easily caught it from someone else in the school. Closed environments like this are ideal breeding grounds for infectious disease."

"That's so cheerful, Giles," Buffy said. A wave of dizziness flooded over her in the next breath and when she came to, Giles was holding her up and Willow had run up to her side to help.

"Get a chair," Giles instructed, and Willow dragged one over from the end of the table.

"Sorry," Buffy murmured, trying to put her hand on the table so she could push away from Giles, whose body was disturbingly warm and close.

"Don't be silly," he said. "It's quite all right. Here, sit down." She obeyed gladly. "Willow, would you get Buffy a glass of water from my office?"

"Sure thing," Willow said and rushed across the room. Giles was holding her wrist, taking her pulse.

"How long have you been having these dizzy spells?" he asked her.

"That just started yesterday," Buffy said tiredly, rubbing her eyes with her free hand.

"And before? What symptoms and how long?" Willow had come back with the water.

"Here, Buffy."

"Thanks," she said, sipping at it. "About three days ago I felt sorta weird when I woke up. Hot, like feverish, but I didn't have a fever. Mom said it was probably just the Indian summer -- it's been hotter than usual this month and maybe I was too warm when I slept. That seemed to make sense and I didn't feel bad otherwise, so I went to school." Giles' cool palm came to rest on her forehead, sending a shiver through her body.

"You feel like you might have a fever now, though," Giles mused. "Go on."

"Well, around lunchtime I started feeling kinda trembly, like the low blood sugar shakes or something."

"And you were really hungry," Willow said. "Remember? You actually ate the cafeteria dessert."

"Ew, yeah," Buffy said, making a face. "That was weird."

"Ignoring magical sources for the moment, dizziness and nervous disorders can be signs of a head injury," Giles said. "Have you struck your head recently, or been in a situation where you couldn't remember the past few minutes and might have been hit, during a fight perhaps?" Buffy considered, thinking back.

"No, don't think so. I haven't been having memory problems, as far as I can tell. I don't think I've hit my head lately, but then, would I remember?" she joked.

"Do you mind if I check?"

"Knock yourself out."

"Ha ha," he said dryly, slipping his hands into her hair to feel carefully around her head for signs of a bump or some other trauma. He had a gentle touch, compassionate but not invasive, and Buffy found herself relaxing in the chair. "You seem to be all right," he said after a minute, and withdrew his hands. "Your head at least." He crouched down to study her face although he didn't seem to really be looking at her. "Has your increased appetite persisted?"

"Yeah, but I'm never actually hungry, you know what I mean? I feel like I should be eating something, but I don't really want food. Nothing I eat is satisfying."

"Hmm," Giles said. Buffy was looking at him, trying to figure out what he was studying her for. "Let me see your tongue."

"My tongue?" she said.

"Yes," he said. Buffy shrugged and opened her mouth, sticking her tongue out. Giles made another thoughtful sound and stood up again.

"So?" Buffy said. "Spots? Stripes? Bugs? What?"

"I don't want to speculate yet," Giles said, although from his expression, he clearly had an idea forming. "So, dizzy spells, fever, unusual appetite, trembling. Anything else?"

"Well...I've been having strange dreams."

"Dreams," Giles said, frowning slightly. "What kind of dreams? Prophecies?"

Buffy glanced at Willow uneasily.

"Well...they're, um...Will, could you, uh..."

"Oh. Watcher-Slayer stuff," Willow nodded. "Gotcha. I'll see you later for our study jam then...unless you're sick. In that case, you know, stay home and drink fluids and stuff. Hope you feel better, Buff."

"Thanks," Buffy smiled, and Willow left.

Giles, who had been gazing at the floor, lifted his eyes to Buffy, one hand leaning on the table and the other in his pocket.

"Are they erotic dreams?" he asked in a low voice, his eyes steady. Buffy gaped at him.

"Giles!"

"Tell me the truth," Giles said. "A Slayer to her Watcher." Buffy looked away, then let out a long, deep breath.

"Yeah," she said.

"About anyone in particular?" The pause was longer this time.

"Yeah."

"All right. Tell me more about this fever," Giles said, pulling up a chair and turning it around to sit in it facing the wrong way with his arms folded on the back. "It seems to have become a literal fever but what you described initially was more psychological, yes? I could see you had more to say but you didn't want to talk about it in front of Willow."

"I'm not sure I want to talk about it in front of you, either," Buffy said wryly, not meeting his eyes.

"Buffy, all I want to do is help you," Giles said calmly. "I'm not here to be judgmental about your dreams, or your desires. Dreams can be very important messages from our inner selves. These things are very personal, especially at your age, and everything you tell me will remain absolutely confidential, even from your friends."

"You promise?" she said, looking up from fiddling with her silver and lapis ring that her mother had given her for her birthday last year.

"You have my word."

"Okay. Well...it's like...that first time, three days, ago, when I woke up I wanted something, but I wasn't really sure what. It wasn't until later in the day that I remembered the dream."

"The, uh, sexual dream, you mean."

"Yeah."

"Would you characterize that initial sense of wanting something as sexual or was it more nonspecific?" Giles wondered.

"I guess maybe it was kinda sexual...but not physical. More like mental sexual. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, some," Giles said. "Sexuality is as much mind as it is body. Really, there's no dichotomy. Some people focus more on the carnal aspects, and others prefer the psychological components. You're saying this seems less hormonal and more strongly linked to your personality or your psyche?"

"Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. I mean, there's definitely a physical element, it's just not the major thing."

"Hm," Giles said, looking amused. "I'd say that's unusual for people your age, to have an appreciation of the more abstract aspects of sex. At least, I know it would be for boys." Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Tell me about it. I know girls are bad, but the boys are way worse. Sometimes I don't think there's anything else in there buttestosterone."

"That changes with time," Giles assured her, still amused. "In fact I've been told that women don't reach their peak sexual maturity until they're in their forties."

"Get outta town."

"Well, I couldn't really confirm it from personal experience," Giles said shyly, glancing away briefly. "Watchers are supposed to remain celibate, you know."

"Yeah. Bummer."

"It's not all bad," Giles said with a slight shrug. "No emotional risks, no health risks."

"Yeah, but no jollies, either," Buffy said. Giles' smile looked knowing this time.

"I know this may sound hard to believe, but one's sexual understanding changes quite a lot as you grow older. It already seems complex to you now, but a lot of that is rooted in confusion and uncertainty. Our bodies and our minds are very intricate and very sublime. There's so much to learn and it never stops. I know that your generation looks upon my generation as beyond sex or no longer interested in it. That's not true at all. Our expressions of it have changed, not just to the outward world, but within ourselves. If we choose to take the time to reflect and know ourselves, there's an infinite well of pleasure to explore that doesn't require another person."

"You realize that sounds like the most elegant rationalization in the world, don't you?" Buffy said with a teasing smile. Giles just grinned.

"I know," he said. "But it's true. Incidentally, I would appreciate it if you would keep this conversation to yourself, as well. I'm only telling you this much because you're my Slayer, but this is very personal for me, too."

"Oh, no problem," Buffy said. "My lips are buttoned and Velcroed."

"Who have you been dreaming about?" Giles asked her finally, gently. Buffy sighed again and rubbed her face tiredly.

"I knew you were gonna ask me that eventually. Fine. It's you."

Giles closed his eyes for a moment and rested his head on his folded arms. She caught the smile on his mouth. "You think that's funny?" she said, not sure how to interpret Giles finding this situation humorous.

"Not exactly," he reassured her, looking up again with a half-shrug and adjusting his glasses. "I suppose it's flattering in a strange sort of way, and I actually half-suspected it."

"And that's because..?"

"The Watcher-Slayer bond is very personal, very intimate in many ways," Giles said. "You already know this to be true. It's not surprising that your subconscious mind would interpret that bond sexually at some point. In some respects it's symbolic of our union on a more ephemeral level. Also, it's a natural way for humans to think of intimacy. Sex is an intimate act, sometimes the only way some people know how to be intimate."

"So what do I do? Is this magic? Am I nuts? Will it go away? No offense, Giles, but it's way strange."

"I have a few ideas," Giles said, "but I don't want to share them yet since I don't want to suggest anything to your subconscious. I'd like to give it some more time. You should keep notes on the symptoms, and keep a journal of the dreams. Even if you don't want me to read it, make sure you keep track of details since they might be important later. If something happens, or you want to talk to me, call me. Day or night, it doesn't matter. I'm your Watcher and that's what I do." He smiled at her and she relaxed a little.

"Okay. Thanks, Giles."

****

Buffy gave up letting her body determine when she should eat. It just wasn't reliable, so she ate habitually and didn't really taste or enjoy any of it. Willow and the others worried, but trusted Giles to solve the mystery. Buffy, for her part, wouldn't reveal the nature of her conversation with Giles in the library two days earlier, citing "Watcher-Slayer stuff." That was good enough for her friends, for the time being.

"At least it's not the Hong Kong flu," Willow said at lunch, trying to console her increasingly tired-looking friend. Buffy obviously hadn't been sleeping very well.

"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "This could be worse, though. Can't tell yet. But I'll bet it beats hurling, whatever it is. One good thing, I can eat school food and not care."

"See?" Xander said. "There's always a plus."

"Now if I could just eat burgers and fries and not get fat, that wouldbe a plus."

****

She was mostly successful not thinking about the dreams while she was at school, since there was sufficient distraction. At home, though, at night, when she was in her bedroom studying or reading, they would invade her as vividly as if she were still in the dream. The provocative, male smellof Giles' skin. The heat of his body. The sweet taste of his mouth and the fantastic, aching pleasure of his cock inside her.

"Not good," she muttered, dropping her pencil into the center of her textbook. "Not good."

That night when he came to her in her dreams, his touch was flame and his mouth made things rise in her she had never known. He was sweet and gentle, rough and hard, demanding but doing so with such trust that she never felt afraid. She understood on some level that it was a service to her, something he was doing for her benefit, even though he was so wild and hungry. She tasted his own need in his mouth on hers, his own trust of her, and she surrendered to him without fear or doubt.

She woke with a gasp, her entire body and soul aflame with the hunger for him, desperately wishing he were close so she could wrap herself around him and feel his devotion and male hardness. She'd never needed him so much after one of the dreams, her sex aching painfully, ready for him. She was going crazy, she had to be. She reached for the phone at her bedside and hit the first speed dial button.

It rang several times, longer than she'd expected, and her heart sank with the thought that he might not be home for one reason or another. Then the phone was picked up.

"Urm, hello?" She knew the sound he had made was justsleepiness, but it sent a flash of sensual heat down her spine to the pit of her stomach.

"Hi," she said quietly. "It's me. Sorry to call you in the middle of the night like this. I know this is weird and everything, and I'm probably overreacting or something, but I just needed to hear your voice..."

"Shh, slow down, slow down," he said gently. "It's all right. Takea deep breath." She obeyed, feeling calmer already just because of hisvoice.

"I had another dream," she said. "About you. You wanted to know if anything new happened," Buffy said, trying not to think about her Watcher at home, in bed, sleep tousled and wearing God only knew what. Pajamas? Sweats? Nothing? Oy, don't go there.

"Yes?" He sounded sleepily eager. "Did you learn anything?"

"Maybe. You said something to me in the dream. Up 'til now youhaven't. Well...you have, but not anything, um, really meaningful, if you get my drift."

"I think I do. So what did I say? What were the circumstances?"

"We were, um, you were, uh, making love to me. Right before youcame, you said 'this is your death, the death of summer, the death of ignorance. I free you.' Now tell me that isn't creepy." There was a long silence on the other end of the line, and then a low sigh. "Giles?"

"Are you sure that's what I said? The death of summer? The deathof ignorance?"

"Giles, trust me. I remember weird things."

"I was afraid of this." She heard him grunt, the sound of someonesitting up. "I've been researching possible causes for your situation," hesaid. There were sounds of books being moved around. "I've got somethingaround here -- ah, here it is."

"So you know what it is? You figured it out?"

"I'm afraid I have. Have you been paying attention to the time ofyear? What day it is today?"

"Uh, no. Is that relevant?"

"Extremely, in this case. Today is the autumnal equinox, the firstday of autumn."

"The death of summer part. Gotcha."

"Yes. Do you remember what I've told you about the seasonalcycles and the symbolism of the solstices and equinoxes?"

"Hm, let's see. The equinoxes have the same day and night length,and the word means 'equal nights.' The solstices are the longest and the shortest days, and it means 'sun stands still.'"

"Right, and what about the cycle itself?"

"Winter's first, representing birth and beginning, spring is childhoodand growth, summer's maturity and strength, and autumn's death and transformation. Oh, jeez, Giles, does that mean I'm gonna die?"

"No, not at all. Death is merely another word for change,transformation from one kind of existence to another. The esoteric symbolism of this cycle can be more sublime, however. Summer is also called the Great Renunciation, the point at which one surrenders the pursuit of personal goals alone and devotes one's energies and life to service to a higher goal. Some interpret this as a shift from selfishness to selflessness, but it's actually just a shift in focus from the earthly plane to the spiritual plane. The motive is still properly self-serving. In your case, it's your acceptance of your destiny as a Slayer and your commitment to serve mankind in that capacity, and your own personal needs are secondary. This is a choice you have made."

"But we're talking about autumn here, right?"

"Indeed. This season is also known as the Great Passing. It can bea literal confrontation with death, but more often it is a confrontation of one's own fear, a reconciliation of the necessity of change versus the fear of the unknown. It is the death of ignorance and innocence, and the return to the beginning to start the cycle over at a higher level."

"Great. So I'm doing the Obi Wan Kenobi thing." Giles laughed.

"In a way, I suppose, yes. This cycle has a particular significancewith respect to Watchers and Slayers, though. That's what I was looking for in one of my books here. I want to read something to you from the Watcher Chronicles. It's in Dutch but I'll translate it as best I can."

"Lay it on me."

"'A Slayer must know the Great Passing or she cannot leave behindthat which keeps her power immature. She will know the burn of desire, the need to sate the body's most ancient hunger in a man's embrace, the need to sate her soul's most ancient trial by allowing the destruction of the hidden veil. Only her bonded Watcher can quench this fire, only he can be the death of her ignorance and childhood. His is a place of trust, of love, of pleasure. Through their bond she will know safety and he will know service. She will know the truth of a trust deeper than any other, and he will know the truth of his own heart.'"

Buffy was silent for a few seconds.

"That is heavy duty, Giles," she said at last, quietly. She heard him sigh deeply.

"Tell me about it," he said. "You understand what it means, don'tyou?"

"Yeah. I have to let go of my childhood and the hope that I'll everbe a regular teenager or a regular adult, and I'm supposed to turn to you to satisfy the different needs I'll have as a Slayer. I don't quite get how the sex comes into it, though."

"Leaving behind such important things takes great trust andcourage," Giles said gently. "You're meant to turn to me to express thattrust and receive my support. It's my role in our relationship. I'm also meant to find that trust in you, the trust to confess my fears, who I am, all the things I will never be able to share with anyone else because of the duty I have undertaken and my bond with you. Lovemaking represents the ultimate possibility for trust and surrender, not just you to me, but me to you. It's possible for people to have sex without sharing themselves like that, but you and I are intended to deepen our bond this way. You will leave behind your fear by trusting me with your most private self, and I will forever close the distance that I have kept between us for three years."

"Is this common? For Slayers to go through this, I mean."

"Yes, very. In fact it's generally considered a necessary step in theSlayer's maturity and the closeness of her bond with her Watcher."

"So why didn't you tell me before that this might happen?"

"I didn't know how you would react, given the differences betweenus, not just in age, but other things. I saw no need to alarm you before seeing how it would manifest when it finally happened."

"So we're supposed to have sex, aren't we? Whoa. That's reallyheavy."

"Not just 'have sex,' Buffy," he said softly. "Make love. It's aprofound, private lovemaking."

"Do I have to do it?" she asked. "Is it dangerous if I resist?"

"No, it's not inherently dangerous, and yes, you can refuse if youwish. It will, however, make it much, much harder for you to continue maturing in your power as a Slayer, and might lead to friction in the bond between us as Slayer and Watcher as you continue to assert your independence and the nature of my training changes. Statistically speaking, Slayers who refuse this rite have a tenfold chance of being killed within three years of the urge's inception. The Great Passing is intended to help create a level of personal understanding for both of us that allows us to continue working together as our battles become more difficult. I hesitate to ask you this, but I am responsible for seeing to your well being. Have you been pleasuring yourself to relieve some of the urgency of this? I think you would find it helpful, if you decide to refuse the rite."

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