A companion piece to "Gotta Have Faith"

GHF: Giles
By Darcy Galvan

Title: GHF: Giles
Author: Darcy Galvan
Rating: R (mostly language, violence)
Spoilers: Up to and including season 4
SUmmary: The events of 'Gotta Have Faith' from Giles' point of view.  A
companion piece to GHF.
Disclaimer: Ah, to own such wonderful characters.  ALas, they're property of
Joss, WB, Mutant...you know the lineup.
Distribution: Solo, Sharon, anywhere that feels inclined to post, just drop
me a line.
Author's notes: This is for Katyd who told me that GHF needed not a sequal,
but 'siblings'.  I hope this is what you had in mind, I know I had fun.   It
was great!

"It's Faith.  She's awake."  Buffy turned to Giles.  He stared back, shock evident in his face.  They'd told him she'd never wake up.  Only the Mayor's pull -- and, later, after his death, his ample inheritance to Faith -- had even kept her on life support thus far.

"You mean, like, not in a coma anymore?  As in, 'bring me a knife, I'm awake and kicking for revenge' awake?"  < What sort of fool would give her a knife? >  Giles shook his head.  No time for humor.

"Yeah, Xand."

"What happened?" Giles asked.  She'd somehow awoken, beaten a girl, taken her clothing and disappeared, Buffy informed them.

"Buffy, you have to be infinitely more careful now," Giles said quietly.  "Faith is not going to come over and invite you to a picnic."

"You think I don't know that?" Buffy mumbled.

"I'm just saying that you know as well as I do that she will come for revenge.  She believes you took everything from her."  So the thing he'd most feared last year had come back.  The Mayor was a threat.  In his invincible form, he could have killed Buffy, but Giles had known that Buffy's murder wasn't in his plans until the Ascension.  And Richard Wilkins always stuck to his itinerary.  Everything that had come up the previous year had been a threat, but none as big as Faith.  Someone who not only knew Buffy's intimate secrets, but had her strengths and fighting skills paired with anger and insanity was the biggest threat he could imagine.

"What's she going to do when she finds out you killed the Mayor?" Willow gasped.  Buffy and Giles looked up sharply.

Change anger to fury.

Suddenly Riley's voice broke the silence.

"Who's Faith?"

***

Giles tucked his shirt in as he came down the stairs from the loft.  A familiar voice cut through the silence.

"Unemployment, not a word that typically goes with Giles, but, hey, I'll get used to it."

"Faith," Giles breathed.  His mouth was the only part of him that he could get a proper grip on.  <  Suppose I really didn't expect her to wait long, > his mind spoke rationally, calmly.  His heart thundered harder with every syllable that slipped through her lips.

"You know, you people sure love my name, don't you?"  Giles jerked around, getting his body under command.  If he could just make it up the stairs. < God, > was all he thought before Faith slammed into his back.  He smashed downward, searing pain shooting up his legs as his knees connected with the wood.  The edges of the stairs hit his flesh, leaving lines of agony across his shins, thighs, and ribs.  Oxygen evaded his lungs and that panic caused him to jerk and struggle as bright spots bloomed before his eyes.

He felt Faith's weight on his arms and the backs of his legs.  They forced his body harder against the corners of the stairs, penetrating pain spreading through him.  She was on him.  She had him.  He wanted to scream.

Somewhere in the background, a phone rang.  < Phone. > His mind fought to form a thought.  Air came trickling back and he gasped, long and hard.  He forced himself to calm.

Faith leaned down, her lips brushed against his ear and he cringed away from the soft touch.

"Honey, I'm home."

***

Giles merely rocked from the impact of the wood against his ribs.  Ten minutes into Faith's violence, the pain of the individual blows had blended together.  She'd yanked him up from the stairs and thrown him to the ground, managing to dislocate his shoulder.  When he'd tried to kick her, she'd slashed his calf open with her knife.  She'd been satisfied to batter his face with her fists, his body with her feet, slicing in every once in a while with the blade.  Then she'd found the quarter staff.

He watched in dull horror through his rapidly swelling eye, blood coursing down his chin from his nose and his searing, split lips.  Even if he'd had the strength to rise, he wouldn't have, his mind so tired, shutting down to block the pain.  He couldn't think as far ahead as escape.

Faith raised the weapon a final time, and Giles merely closed his eyes, praying it would be fast.  A sharp blow to shatter his arm.

His eyes sprung open at the shock as much as the pain.  She wasn't going to kill him.

Faith flung the quarter staff which skittered under the couch with a sharp, echoing clatter.  She crouched down next to him and looked at him quizzically for a moment before sliding her arms under him and jerking him roughly to his feet.  A small moan escaped his lips and tears rolled unbidden down his face.

< Worse than the pain. > Faith smiled at the tears.  She got Super Librarian to cry.  Points for her.  Faith hoisted him across the room and onto the couch.

"You know, Buffy's gonna get a hell of a surprise next time she visits."  She paused.  "*If*...she visits."  A smile curved her lips in a perversion of joy and she stood and moved out of his vision.  < Buffy. >  There was a tearing noise and suddenly something was shoved under his hand.  There was a click and a creaking.  Wood and metal striking, a whistle and a chuckle, then footsteps thudding up the stairs.

He kept fading in and out of darkness.  At one point, a soft voice touched his ear.  < Buffy. >  The only word his mind could dredge up rose once more.

"Giles?  Giles, can you hear me?"  < Buffy. >  She had come.  The muted voice in his ringing ears was the sweetest sound.  He latched onto it, focusing, willing his eyes to open, willing his mouth to move.

"Buffy."

"Yeah, Giles, I'm here."  There was a distinct wobble in her voice at these words.  "What happened?"  < Faith.  Get her out.  Get out get out. >  He tried to move his arm.  Buffy pulled the something out from under him.  Paper wrinkled and Buffy's voice was brittle with rage.  "I'm going to kill her."

He worked his throat several times before he produced a noise.

"Ghhhe ow."  He winced.  To much pain in his lips.  < Can't let her die.  Won't let her die. >

"What?"  Buffy leaned down.

"Get out.  Faith's...here."  Buffy had to get out.  Faith was waiting.   Had been waiting.  A dark shape rose over the edge of the loft into view.  Giles' good eye widened and he started.  Buffy sat up and immediately jerked, a crossbow bolt protruding from her, Riley yanked her down.  A noise burst from Giles.  He couldn't do anything.  Couldn't move.  She leapt up again and dashed up the stairs.

Things went gray and fuzzy around the edges and when he opened his eyes, he was in an ambulance.  He gazed dazedly around at the faces above him < She's not here > and was once more in darkness.

***

The first thing he was aware of was something hard in his throat and through his mouth, air rushing oddly into his lungs.  He gagged and fought, trying to free himself.  < Oxygen tube, > his brain supplied.  He pressed his head back against the pillow and once again forced a false calm upon himself until his mind and body both believed he was fine.  A beeping filled his head and he opened his eyes.  A pair of wide, gentle blue ones met his.  Her voice was the first thing he heard, working on him as it always did, calming him as nothing could.

Sometimes it was the first thing he heard in the morning, echoing softly in his mind, but then he would open his eyes and roll over, shoving the covers off of himself, letting the cold shock any foolish fantasies from him.

"Hi.  How do you feel?"

Smiling at her concerned, sweetly naieve question was a feat with the tube in his mouth, so he merely raised an eyebrow.  "Yeah, dumb question, I know.   Sorry."  His eyes traveled across her face and his chest tightened, heat rising in his face at the sight of an ugly, swelled, dark and mottled bruise stretching from the middle of her forehead to the top of her delicate cheekbone.

"It's okay, don't worry," she said, reading his face.  Sometimes she seemed so dense, misinterpreting his emotions.  He supposed that was fortunate at times when he'd let things slip in his expression that were better left in the dark.  However, the anger and worry would have been apparent to anyone.  "Don't think for a minute she's going to get away with it.  Of course, that probably means that she'll come here and I'll have to kick her ass," she grinned that wry, lopsided invention of hers, "but I need to exercise."  His eyes crinkled an he laughed soundlessly. < Kick her ass and then some. >

"Hi, Giles."  He smiled at the sight of his other friends: Willow and Xander.  He wondered when they'd changed.  When he'd first met them, he'd always thought of them as his children.  Somewhere along the line, though, they'd become his peers.  Joyce and Anya and Riley were there as well, peeking around the two teenagers.

Riley glanced at his watch and turned to Buffy, telling her he had to go.  He leaned to kiss her and Buffy diverted his lips to her cheekbone with a deft turn of the head.  Giles' brow creased lightly, his eyes becoming leaden, sinking down.  < Not just my friends, my family, > he thought with a smile before he slept.

***

When he woke, faint light was filtering through the window, setting Buffy's hair ablaze with golden light.  He allowed his eyes to roam over her reverently.  Her cheek was pressed against the pillow which she clutched tightly in one delicate hand.  Her lashes resting on her cheeks, a shadow of mascara smudging around the edges.  She was curled in on herself and a little smile touched her lips.

His feelings for Buffy flooded through him whenever he saw her sleep.  He considered himself lucky to watch her in her resting, because everything was laid out so plainly in that release.  She couldn't hide behind tough words or distract with a quirky quip or merely bulldoze past feelings she didn't want to confront.  Her face relaxed, sometimes soft as it was now.  Other times, it pulled in a slight sadness, making her youth so heartbreakingly apparent.  < Foolish of you, > he thought to himself.  It was a phrase that ran more and more constantly through his mind, but it was stubborn.  < Watcher.  I think that title doomed me from the beginning. >

There was a knock on the door and Giles turned from his observations, making it his personal agenda to make it amply clear  to whomever was about to step through the door that he was more than ready to get this tube out of his throat some time this day.

***

She woke, and Dr. Heartmen came to remove the tube from his throat.  When she'd left, Buffy slid off of the bed, licked her lips nervously < God, she's beautiful. > and smiled.

"You look a lot better with that thing out of your mouth."

"Feel a hell of a lot better as well," he said.  His voice was rough and cracked and it was quite an effort to speak, for he had to keep detaching his tongue from his dry lips and the roof of his mouth.  Buffy glanced around and picked something up.  She turned to him with a cup and a little sponge.  "Open," she commanded.  Giles had to work to keep his breathing even as he hesitantly opened his mouth.  < Calm down, you're not a bloody teenager any more.  You can do better than this. > She leaned in and proceeded to wet his mouth and, gently, his lips.

"Thank you," he sighed.

"Hope you don't mind being mothered by numerous people for several days," Buffy said.  "Because you're going to get it around here."  A stubborn lock of hair kept dropping across her forehead and he wished he could lean out and brush it away, trailing his fingers across-- < Stop it, stop it now. >

"I find it rather restful and relaxing," he replied.  He tried to inject as much humor into his words as he could.  Of course, that was difficult to do with the stitches keeping his split lips together.  They were tender and stung almost unbearably, but he was determined to ignore the pain.  The aching in the rest of his body, of course, always helped to distract him from the pain in his mouth. "Faith?"

"I don't know.  She ran after she attacked me.  Where is everyone?"

"Breakfast."

"Faith's going to pay, Buffy said, voice soft and dangerous.

Giles tensed and shook his head.  "Careful."

"I'm not stupid Giles."

"Never said you were."

"Just careless?"

"Emotional.  Promise me you won't be stupid."  "I know you're not."

"Look what she did to you, Giles.  She nearly killed you."  Her voice wavered.  "You're in the hospital.  She broke my ribs."  Giles winced.  She was the Slayer, she could handle injury and pain, but she was Buffy.  < *My* Buffy, > Buffy didn't deserve to be hurt, she shouldn't feel pain.  "Beat some poor girl, hurt Riley.  And that was just yesterday.  She's not going to stop."  Her face was awash with emotions.  "I'm not going to let her hurt you again."  His breath caught and he blinked rapidly.  "Not going to let her hurt anyone."  She closed her eyes.  "I'm sorry."  Giles lifted his hand and touched her hair.

"Why?" he asked.  She always blamed herself and it hurt him to see her trying to shoulder everything.  Didn't she know that he was there.  They were all there to help her.  Sometimes she just couldn't do everything despite what she tried to believe, but she could always come to them.

"I shouldn't have let this happen."

"You couldn't have done anything."  Buffy looked up.  She opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it again.

"Maybe not last time, but I'm going to do something."  He shook his head.  No.  Not this time.

"Buffy--"

"Don't worry."  She rose.   He had the greatest urge to shake her, yell at her, hold her, crush his mouth to hers, anything to get her attention, dissuade her from putting herself in danger.  Buffy would kill for those she loved and never take into account the fact that she might end up a casualty in the process.

But Giles couldn't do any of those things.  She didn't let herself be shaken. Riley was the one who kissed her.  He was the one who made her listen now.  So Giles reached out and gripped her wrist lightly.  His touch stopped her short and she turned sharply.

Maybe the truth would make her listen.

"I can't do anything but."  His eyes were pleading.  "Faith very nearly killed me.  I couldn't stand to see you end up in my place."  Buffy sucked in her breath, unable to tear her eyes away from his.  Damn him and his words.  She tilted her head and covered the hand that still rested on her arm.  His heart leapt.  Perhaps this time she would listen.  < Don't go.  Just stay here with me and be safe.  Be safe forever. >

There was a shuffling and Xander popped through the door.  Giles knew he should let her go.  < Can't let her go. I can't ever let her go. >

"Hey, Buffy, you missed some wicked grub.  Ho Ho's and Pepsi, breakfast of champions!"  Buffy and Giles' gazes remained locked, no words, no thoughts.  But they communicated all the same.  Buffy looked away first, patting Giles hand and sliding her arm from under it.  He swallowed and lowered his gaze, jaw clenched, tense as she turned away.

***

Giles was released from the hospital after promising to rest and mind his injuries.  < Not bloody likely, > he thought with a grimace as he banged his casted arm in a doorway, jarring not only that but the broken ribs and tender sides.  His arm had been shattered and put back together as well as possible but he thought, with a grim humor, that he'd be one of those old men sitting on his porch predicting rain because his arm ached.  The cut in his calf was almost unbearable when he walked. < Ah, another scar to add to the collection.  I always knew I should have begun collecting stamps, but nooooo....>

Everyone waited for Faith to make a move.  Giles had never known her to be one to put anything off.  She barged in.  That was his only consolation.  When Faith made a move, it would be obvious.  Perhaps Buffy would even find out about it before hand.  She certainly had seemed to be patrolling a lot at any rate.

Ever since the morning he'd woken up in the hospital, since the day he'd held Buffy's arm and gravely plead with her to be careful, she'd been jumpy.   Some days she would visit, but when she did, it wasn't with her usual gusto.  She'd drop in, chat a little, and depart.  < Is it something I've said? > he'd wonder every time she left with her shiny plastic smile.  She thought she could hide, but he was a Watcher.  Observation was his calling, and he hadn't shirked his duties when it came to Watching Buffy.  < You sure as hell watch her. >  He could see when she was forcing emotion.  He'd even noticed that Riley had picked up on Buffy's moodiness.

Riley.  Now there was a name he didn't relish much.  Riley was a fine young man.  He was strong and handsome and stable and kind and good and that was the problem.  He was everything a suitor should be.

And he was everything that Giles should be.

Giles would shake his head from time to time, trying to push back the feelings that sometimes threatened to spill out.  He fancied that if he told her, she'd look back at him and that  dazzling smile would spread across her face... But then he'd imagine the more reasonable scenario of Buffy cutting him from the meager position his presence filled in her life now that he was no longer her Watcher by title or a constant fixture in her day.  He used to be the stable one she came to.  < That's a lie, she never really came to you, did she?  Well, more so than she does now at any rate.>  It seemed that she cared, but only seemed to notice that he was more than a fixture in her life when he was in grave danger or she was upset with him.  < Don't be such a bastard, > he would berate himself, < Do you ever tell her how important she is? > < If I said more than I was proud I'd likely break down and confess the whole bloody mess and where would that leave us?> he'd counter.

Every day, thoughts like these would crash through his head.  And every day he'd mutter, "Stop," aloud to halt this mind set.  It seemed that these mental arguments were becoming more and more of a difficulty.

On Friday, these thoughts didn't even cross his mind.  On Friday, Buffy came to visit and Xander came stumbling through the door.  On Friday, Faith reappeared.

Buffy, Giles, and Xander exited the apartment to spot Faith on the roof.  They rushed back inside.  Faith crouched at the top of the stairs.

Giles tensed.  Despite the fact that their positions were switched, the scene was chillingly familiar, the evidence of their encounter still present in his body and mind.

"I hadn't intended for there to be three of you," she said crisply, arching a brow.  She threw a paperweight, knocking Xander unconscious.

"You know, I kicked myself for a while, wondering if I should have killed the G-man, here."  She said, cocking her head thoughtfully.  "Now, I'm thinking it was a good idea not to.  What happens when the famed Slayer and Watcher, the dynamic duo, the two outcasts die together?  Will secrets be revealed?"  Giles tensed his shoulders.  "Will words be said."  < Faith knows. >  The thought struck him out of nowhere and he swallowed hard.

She had his weapons.  Displaying his sword, she told him to check the rest.  They were all gone.  His stomach sank further and further.  A numbness began creeping in.  They very well may die here.  < No way in hell am I letting that happen.  > Buffy would live for a long time to come and he intended to do anything to secure that.

She grabbed Xander.  The sword was to his throat.  < Will I lose my whole family today? > he thought bleakly.  Thinking quickly, Giles hurled a book at Faith.  In her distraction, Buffy disarmed her.

She came at him.

An electric shock burst through him at the sight of her launching herself at him.  He tried to twist away, heart thundering, but she caught him.  Spinning him around by his broken arm, pain shooting through his body, she forced him to his knees.  A knife was produced and it slipped around his throat.  With a sharp movement, she drew blood.  < What's another pint or two gone? > he thought twistedly.

"Let him go."  Buffy's voice was stone, face clenched in barely controlled rage.  "This is about you and me."

"I beg to differ, B," Faith spat the former endearment.  Giles' eyes widened.  "It's about everything.  Weren't you listening when I was playing piñata with you?" Giles cringed.  "You got *everything.* Including *him*."  All motion stopped.  < Damn straight, she got me, you crazed bitch. >  He was going to die here. Giles tried to twist away from her, but Faith merely held him tighter and dug her boot heel into his calf.  Giles moaned.  How much pain did he have to endure.  < As much as it takes to stay with her. >  "I could have taken better care of him.  At least I care, at least I appreciate him as a *human being,* not just my little Watcher doggy to run errands for me.  At least I appreciate him..." he felt her lean down and rub her cheek on his head, "as a man."

"Go to hell, Faith," Giles ground out through his pain and fear.

"Did I upset you, G-man?" she asked in mock sympathy, face twisting.  "Oh, I'm sorry if I attacked your innocent little Buffy.  But did you really think she'd love you back, Giles?"

< Oh no.  Please, God, no, > his mind whispered in horror.  <Not now.  Not here.  Not like this. >

"Ever think about that?  She treats you like crap.  She treated you like crap when I was around, and I've heard things about the goings on since I've been gone.  Look what you do, and she just pisses on it all, pats you on the head and then goes and screws the first thing with a dick she sees."  He wanted to bash Faith's head against the wall.  Knock her teeth from her mouth and make her stop spewing those hateful words that rang so painfully true they hurt worse than the constant pressure on his injuries.

"And she does, you know.  Screw him, that is, that nice little soldier boy." < Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up. >  "She even did it in the hospital," she purred.  Oxygen was no longer an option.  Death.  Unconsciousness.  For either one of them.  Just not this.  "She just fucked him upstairs while you were lying in a bed downstairs.  How's that make you feel?"

His stomach made it's best attempts to reject the food he'd had earlier.  Rage.  Horror.  Despair and disgust and anguish.  A nauseating mixture of emotions filled him, making his head swim and his breath come hot and ragged and thick.  Yet his gaze remained locked with Buffy's he no longer made any effort to control the emotions on his face.   He was so tired.  Defeat.

He saw tears.  He saw her realization.  < Please don't cry.>  Yet his gut told him that it felt good to see her pain.  It felt good to see her realize that he felt something.  He'd been unconscious and she'd been fucking Riley.   Somewhere, deep inside, something in him laughed caustically.  His Slayer really cared, didn't she?

"Bitch," Buffy whispered, voice cracking.

Giles' vindictive thoughts vanished.  < Please, Buffy, smile.  Laugh in her face and kick the crap out of her.  Please, just don't cry. >

Faith ignored her and continued.  "Think she's gonna love you back?  Think she's gonna look at you the same way you look at her?  The way *I* *saw* you look at her?"  One word ran through his head. <Please.>  "Those big baby blues gonna show the same as yours?" She hissed in his ear, tongue snaking out.  "Gonna *burn* the way yours do?"  She pressed her mouth closer, branding him with vile heat, lips curling in a smile of pure evil and utter enjoyment and whispered, "Not while there's another commando boy somewhere."   Faith knew how to win a battle.  She knew how to destroy him.  Of course, that was a simple matter, really.  If you bothered to look, it was plain to see what his weakness was.

Buffy's eyes widened as he watched one final moment, jaw clenching and unclenching, body tense.  Her head swayed back and forth.  No.  She knew what was coming, pleaded with him not to.  He saw her begging him to tell her it was all right.  He closed his eyes and dropped his head.  Defeat.

"Giles..." she pleaded.  For a moment, he remained, but he looked at her, somber.

He heaved a breath and made a decision numbly.  He mouthed the word 'Go' and twisted away from Faith.  The blade of her knife caught on his collar bone and dragged a line of fire across his flesh.  He felt Buffy rush by as he dropped.  Giles rolled and lay, face pressed to the cool floor as he bit his lip to hold in a cry.  Physical.  Mental.  Pain expanded to fill his flesh, his bones, his mind.

There was a grunt and a gasp.  He tore his eyes open.  Buffy and Faith lay still and his heart followed suit.  < Please, God. >

Movement.

Faith moved and Giles let out a low, agonized moan.  < She's dead.  Oh, God, no, she's gone.  Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.>  His lips moved with his thoughts, her name the last thing he ever wanted to say.

Faith rolled off of Buffy, the knife protruding grotesquely from her chest.

For a moment, Rupert Giles' mind shut down.  Processing information was slow and he saw Buffy roll to her knees in disbelief.  Red stained Faith's mouth, a thread of it winding it's way sluggishly down her cheek.  Her mouth worked.  "Not gonna...love.........Giles."  Faith smiled, her eyes closed and she went limp.

Buffy knelt next to her fallen sister Slayer, then slowly turned to Giles.

She was alive.

***

I know some things never change
But this can't be one of them
And I don't think I can stand it Any longer
Are you scared? Are you scared? Are you scared?
'Cause if you're scared
You're not alone
I once thought I was brave---
But I can't stop crying
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy
But I am waiting patiently
Though I fear it'll all be in vain
   ~ "The Second Day" Kendall Payne

Buffy crawled over to Giles, slipping her arms under his, helping him to a kneeling position.  He cringed at her touch, but submitted.  She ripped off a piece of her long skirt and dabbed at the jagged cut along his collar bone, adamantly refusing to meet his gaze.

< Look at me.  Say something.  Did you hear what she said?  Don't touch me, don't help me.  Just talk to me. >

Tears rolled down her face and Giles couldn't do anything but stretch a hand out and wipe them gently away.  She looked up at him and he put on a straight face.

"Buffy..." he began, not quite sure what he meant to say after that.

"God, Giles, I'm so sorry," Buffy choked out.  "I let her hurt us again."  Her hands moved over his newly acquired injuries, one resting on his chest, the other returning to cover her mouth as more salty tears rolled down between her fingers.  Giles shook his head.  < Don't touch me.  Don't you know what it does to me?  >

"No, don't."

Buffy's tears stopped, eyes drying.  Her hand fell away from him.  "She shouldn't have said what she did.  She shouldn't have told you about--about me and Riley."  The pain, tight like healing wounds, clenched his heart.  "And she was spouting all that crap."

Giles never wanted her to know how he felt about her.  He loved Buffy on so many more than one levels that he could be happy as they'd always been, he needed nothing else as long as she simply remained a part of him and he some small part of her.  But he wouldn't not lie to her to protect himself.

"Lying isn't one of her strong suits," Giles spoke quietly, feeling each word rip out of his throat.

Buffy shook her head, slowly at first.  Her head moved more violently, pale blonde strands sticking in the salt on her cheeks as she pulled into herself and slid back.

< No. >  It was going to go the way he'd dreaded.  But he couldn't stop. The pain couldn't stop for either of them.  It had to come out.

"Buffy," Giles' voice was heavy with desperation, anguish.  He prayed that they'd come out of this, some relationship in tact.  < She wasn't supposed to know. >

"Giles," Buffy spoke his name as a plea, begging for him to stop and it made the nausea return.  "No, please."  < She hates me.  She knows it's true and she hates me. >

"Buffy, I know you don't want to hear this." His words were rushed and desperate.  "I didn't want this."  Rage was a brief, blinding flash and he slammed his fist into the floor.  "Damnit!  Damn Faith for doing this to you."

"Don't hurt your other hand," Buffy murmured and cool sadness ran through him, soothing the rage, but not soothing the pain.

"I didn't want this to happen this way. I never expected you to...but..."  The pain went through his words.  Even if she would run, even if she would despise and abhor him, he had to explain to her.  She had to understand.

"Don't..." Buffy's voice rose, intense and his panic and desperation increased.

"I have to."  His voice dropped, hating the way this had to come out.  "I love you."  < There.  You've done it.>  her body so tense that she shuddered, Buffy crawled backwards, rising as she moved.

"Please don't say that."  < What does she hate so?  Age? Looks?  My position in her life? >  He hadn't expected her to ever reciprocate, but despite the many times he'd assured himself she'd turn away in disgust, he'd somehow kept the thought from taking complete hold.  There had been some unconscious hope.  He'd never known she would be so frightened.

"I'm sorry, Buffy.  I know--"

"Don't say that!" she shouted, a sob tearing her words.  The emotion tore through Giles.  Clenching her eyes, pressing her lips together, she tilted her head, throwing it back.  "You didn't have to say that," she whispered brokenly.  Giles dropped his head into his hands.  This wasn't how it was supposed to be.  She wasn't supposed to know.

Xander groaned and Buffy's eyes slowly opened.  Her face smoothed and she wiped her eyes.  Giles stood as Buffy knelt next to Xander, lifting his head.  He cursed and opened his eyes.

"Faith..."

"She's dead," Buffy said calmly, helping Xander to stand.  He swayed on his
feet, then steadied.

"You guys okay?"  Buffy merely nodded.  Her abrupt calm terrified Giles more than her shouting.

"Let's get you home.  I'll tell you about it later."  Xander frowned, looking between the deadly calm Buffy and a silent, haggard looking, slightly bloodied Giles.  Buffy steered him out the door and was gone.

***

Giles remained where he knelt for five minutes after Buffy left.  He didn't move, barely breathed as a biological necessity and reflex rather than effort.  Faith lay on the floor not two feet away, head lolled lifelessly to the side.  Had he the will, had he the mental and physical control over his body, he would have spat on hers.

But she lay there.

The Faith of before.  The Faith who had cared and helped, and he couldn't dredge up the rage, the abhorrence and despair that had run rampant thorough his body just minutes before.

Buffy was gone.

She was gone now physically and she was gone from him emotionally and mentally now as well and he didn't know if she'd ever come back.

He had never meant for Buffy to know his feelings, much less be slapped in the face by them in such a disgusting, hateful manner.  Did Buffy loathe him?  Was she disgusted?  Giles didn't know the answers to any of these questions and feared the result.  If any of these were true....he wasn't quite sure what he would do.

Everything changed in those few scant minutes Faith had held him. Everything was different now.

***

The police and the ambulance came.  Faith was placed in one of those damned black body bags with the zipper  to close her in.  She was taken away and Giles answered questions numbly.  Yes, she broke into my house.  No, as a matter of fact, she was the one who gave me the beating last time.  Yes, she attacked me, we fought, she died.

Yellow tape emblazoned with "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS" was draped around his apartment but as soon as they left, he knocked it down.

He didn't bother to clean it up, it merely hung sadly from the door frame for a while.  The blood was still on the floor.  What was the point of cleaning it up if there would be no one but him to see it?  If there was no bright young woman to clean it for.

If she was never -- He growled and picked himself up, ripping down the irritating police tape, wadding it into a ball as best he could with his functioning hand and the finger tips of his  casted arm.  He tossed it in the trash and was moving towards the couch when he heard a knock at his door.

"Hi."  He hadn't thought he'd hear that sweet, soft voice again.  Giles stepped back, lips parted in surprise as a calm, if quiet Buffy stepped across the threshold, looking around.

"Hello, Buffy," he said softly.  "I'm sorry, but I hadn't expected to see you for, ah, quite some time."

She shrugged, smiling a little.  < Perhaps she doesn't hate me.  Perhaps she was just shocked and overwhelmed.  Please, God, let that be the reason. >

"I hadn't really expected to come over either."  She fiddled with the cuff around her left wrist.  "Um, you know," she said, voice becoming quick, "I don't know, I probably shouldn't even be here. I'm just going to go now."

< Coward!  Don't let her go! >

"No, don't."  Buffy stopped and turned, rocking uneasily.  "I'm not even sure why you're here, but now that you are, I have something to say."  His breath quickened.  < What are you going to say?  Say it! >  She lifted her brows and inclined her head, inviting his words, albeit unsurely.  "I'm sorry.  But I never meant for you to know.  I never, *ever* expected you to reciprocate."  <Is this what she needs? >  "I never expected anything from you but what we already had.  Buffy, I don't want--"

"That's just it, Giles," Buffy interjected, voice hard.  He stopped, decidedly nonplused.  "I can't be that anymore."  He flinched, fearing what was to come next.  He was shocked.  "I can't be that anymore because it wasn't right.  Faith was right.  I didn't appreciate you."  He wanted to protest, but his tongue lay thick and heavy against his teeth.  "But I appreciated you when you were in the hospital.  I promised myself that as soon as you could hear it, I'd talk to you. "  < Talk to me. >  "But I didn't.  What would that make me?  But what does what you said make me?  I can't be the girl who just asks you to research, eats your food and then goes to someone else when she needs help, not just help fighting, either. We never say anything anymore," She voiced.  "And then Faith comes.  And then you say you love me."

Faint hope began to build in him.  < Maybe, just maybe...>

"I can't be what I was before and I can't be what you want me to be.  What does that make me?  Huh?  What does that make *us* ?  I'm confused, Giles, "   she sniffed, voice small, "and I'm scared.  What's happening to us."  Love and joy began taking over, but they were still melded with caution and fear.   If it didn't go well, he might lose her.  Sometimes he wondered if others would see him as pathetic if they knew how he felt about Buffy.  To hell with them.

Giles took a step forward and for a moment, he fancied that Buffy was ready to move to meet him and lean against him, but then she took a step back for his one forward.  She looked up at him.

"I'm supposed to be a college student," she cried.  He tensed.  "Dating college guys, slaying on the side, going to her Watcher for help.  I'm not willing to change any of that.  But I'm not ready to give you up, either."  One drop clung to her lower lashes.  One burst of joy lit the darkness for a moment.

Giles took another tentative step forward.  Buffy didn't move.  He put a hand on her shoulder, a gesture so familiar it made him want to laugh and weep at the same time, and all at once take her in his arms and just hold her and keep her safe.  Keep her from feeling this pain and fear and confusion ever again.

"Do you have to choose one or the other?" he asked gently.  "Can't you move forward, not to me, but can't we move together?  I don't want to hurt you, Buffy, but neither do I want to lose you.  I will be anything you want me to be.  Please, just...don't run."

"I want to, Giles.  I want to so much."  He closed his eyes and pulled her to him, Buffy let him and when she dropped her head against his shoulder, he could almost imagine that it was going to be all right.  "Can we?"

"I'd like to believe we can."  She stepped back, focusing on the buttons on his shirt.  Giles took a step back as well, letting her move to the door.  When she stood on the step, she turned her head back, but didn't look him in the eye.

"I do appreciate you, Giles," she said softly, clearly.  "I love you."

< Damn. >

***

For three days, Giles contemplated his situation, swinging between hope and complete pessimism.  He tried to tell himself that things would be fine, they'd be the same, but he didn't know that.  For three days Giles puttered around the house in his normal patterns, albeit more solemnly.  For three days Giles loved Buffy more fiercely than ever.

***

Giles opened the door to a delicate rapping and his hand clenched on the doorknob.

"Buffy.  Um, come in."  He moved out of her way and she stepped thorough the door.

"Hi."  Buffy stood in front of Giles.  "Giles?"

"Yes," he prompted gently, not sure if he wanted to hear what she had to say.

"I'm ready to move forward."  The connection between his ears and his brain slowed considerably and he stood for a moment, then his face softened, questioning, hopeful.  Full of love.  He lifted a hand, placing it on her shoulder.  He took in a sharp breath when he touched her.

She looked up, meeting his gaze and he held it completely for the first time since Faith.   Her lips curved softly, her hand rising to cover his, her eyes showing back the same as his.

Had someone told him at the beginning of his training as a Watcher that he was going to fall in love with his teenage charge, he would have been horrified.  Now he couldn't imagine not loving Buffy.

Giles moved hesitantly, afraid to rush the moment, afraid she would vanish, her slender form melting in to pure sunlight, leaving him alone.  He leaned closer to Buffy, bringing their faces so close he could feel her breath mingling warmly with his.

Buffy took a breath, closed her eyes, and moved forward. To him.

THE END