On Lonely Nights, You Can See Forever
By Arkin

TITLE: On Lonely Nights, You Can See Forever
AUTHOR: Arkin
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Don't sue.
SPOILERS: Grad 2 (I believe... but not really)
RATING: PG (for now)
SUMMARY: There is a loss.
FEEDBACK: Yes please!

'Giles...'

**

Giles closes his diary. It had been ten years. Ten long, empty years, since the love and center of his life was taken away from him. Her eyes still haunted him at night, looking up too him in a silent cry for help, protection, life.

He remembered only flashes of the rest of that night. Rememberd holding her in his arms, staring down at her blood covered body, stinging like fire where ever it touched his bare skin. Rememberd Willow screaming, the police dragging Buffy out of his arms, Xander holding him as he wept. 

He held the funereal at noon, when the sun was at it's highest. They were all there. Even Wesley, having been called by Cordelia, stood there with a lost look on his face, looking at the earth dumped over the little casket.

He has a blurry memory of Joyce and Hank, hand in hand, standing over the grave; Willow in Oz's arms; Cordelia comforting Xander with more tenderness than anyone thought her capable off. But more than anything he remembers putting the flowers on the freshly leaden patch of grass and collapse again, tears streaming down his cheeks as he fingered the name on the head stone.

It was Wesley who helped him up, took care of him the first few days, when he could barely get himself out of the bed. It still smelled like her shampoo. The shirt she took from him to sleep in was still lying on one of the pillows. Her tooth brush in his bathroom, the juice in the kitchen. Everywhere he turned he could still see her, parts of her.

It took him almost a year to get himself together. Wesley supported him, mentally and financially, when he was still too broken to get his act together and hold down a job. Eventually he did, he managed to make it through a day without crying, without thinking about what it would have been like to have her there.

He looks down at the head stone. 'There is still no room in my heart for anyone but you, you know that? You took it and you kept it. I feel like there's nothing inside me.'

He inhales deeply. 'I hope you can forgive me, Buffy. I must leave. As much as in pains me, I most get on with my life. The council, they said they need my help. Wesley is the watcher now, see. You would have been proud of him. He's caring, warm. And he doesn't scream too much. But now he needs my help in England. Another end of the world thing. I'm getting a little tired of those, I must tell you. Tired of trying to justify saving this world when you're not in it. But than Oz called me, gave me a reason.  Willow gave birth. A boy. I'll be stopping in New York on my way, to see them. I'll come back as soon as I can, Buffy, I promise you that.'

He looks down at the diary in his hands. 'I was just, remembering, those last days. I thought about your death so much that I forget what it was like to have you alive. I'm glad I got a chance to tell you how I feel before you left. Now, I remember. Not only how things were, but also how they should have been. And I'll never forget you, no matter how long it might take me to come back. I'll remember you until I join you.'

END