Empty Prayers
If I Should Die Before I Wake

TITLE:  If I Should Die Before I Wake  (Part Three of   Empty Prayers)
AUTHOR:  Tevye
E-MAIL: anatevka44@yahoo.com
SPOILERS:  Becoming (Yes, I am so far behind that I am still stuck in season two, but oh well)
SUMMARY:  What if Giles found Buffy before she came home?
RATING:  We're at a nice in between stage of a strong PG-13 and a mild R.  You've got your violence, sexual implications, and pounds upon pounds of angst.  Also, please read the title people.  Yes it is related to what happens in the story.  So if this isn't your thing just walk away.
FEEDBACK:  My mailbox was swimming in feedback for part one, and I absolutely loved it.  The only problem is I think I'm addicted.  Please don't make me go through withdrawal people.
DISTRIBUTION:  Oh please, Oh please, Oh please, I love to see my stuff posted.  Just tell me where it is (So I can go look at it and gloat to myself. )
DISCLAIMER:  They're all mine.  Okay they're not, but I can dream can't I?  All right onto reality.  All hail Joss, Joss is god.  Hearing the enthusiasm?
NOTE and DEDICATION:  This is written for Britt (in all her goodness, and some of her not so goodness), who I just got interested in this thing we call fandom.  Welcome to my obsessed little world, please check your sanity at the door.  I have been having a problem with this story that when I post, I have been getting strange line breaks where there shouldn't be any.  I have tried to fix it, but if it doesn't work please forgive me.


If I Should Die Before I Wake  by Tevye

The stench of oil and gasoline threatened to burn Buffy's lungs, and still she inhaled deeply.  Anything was better than the stale air of Giles' car.  Spinning under the stars, she marveled at how clear they were.  Then the drops began to fall.  Just one, so light that she wasn't even sure that she had really felt it.  Then there was another and another.  Soon she was soaked as the downpour continued.

Giles watched affectionately as she continued to spin under the rain.  A chuckle ran through his voice as he called out, "If you're not careful you'll get sick again."

Buffy smiled mischievously.  Rushing at him with slayer's speed, she wrapped her soaking wet body around him and pressed her lips against his for a quick kiss.  Then she pulled away and flitted out into the rain, her laughter floating through the air.

"Now you're all wet, too."  She stretched out her arms with a pleading look one her face.  "Come join me."

Shaking his head, Giles stepped out into the soft rain-fall.  She looked so very happy that there was really no way for him to stop her.

In the weeks after he had found her, a shadow of sadness continued to hang over her.  The darkness had lifted somewhat after that night when their relationship was redefined, and this indefinable, constantly changing, messed-up and absolutely wonderful thing that was Buffy and him had begun.  Slowly but surely she had begun to enjoy herself more often, and a little of the sparkle which had always been present before returned.  But the darkness remained, sometimes asserting itself with a ferocity which could not be anticipated.  She hadn't been able to just live in the moment, to experience just one second of pure joy, until now.  Yes, he was right.  The time to return was now.

 Her face lit up when he joined her in the downpour.  Grabbing his hands, she spun him around.  Then turning her face up to the rain she spread both their arms out and let the water run over them.  "Doesn't it feel wonderful."

"Yes.  Now I'm going to have to change."

"Oh, you just worry too much.  Fuddy-Duddy."  She grinned up at him amicably.  Chuckling, he placed a soft kiss on her lips.

"You're delaying."

"So I'm delaying."

"I'm going to get directions, drinks, and gas.  You have to make that call."  Her eyes clouded over.

"Please."

"Buffy, don't make me force you.  We decided together that it was time to return.  The longer you put it off, the harder it will be."  A resigned smile crossed Buffy's face as she allowed herself to be led back to the gas station.

"You're too good for me."

*****

Buffy stared at the phone, and then back through the windows of the convenience store to where Giles was standing, arguing with the clerk. < I'm not sure I want to go back. >

There was no denying that she missed everything about Sunnydale < Including the Hellmouth. Slaying is so much easier when the vamps come to you, instead of you looking for the vamps. >  And yet so much had changed now.   In the harsh light of the run-down diners, flea-bitten motels, and street lamps, the life she lived fit, it was right.  She and Giles were right.  But it the soft glow of the suburbs, school halls, and actual sunlight what she was now didn't fit, didn't belong, and more importantly she and Giles didn't belong.

That was what she was afraid of losing.  That was what made her stop every time she went to pick up the phone.  She watched smiling, as Giles ran a hand through his hair, still arguing emphatically with the clerk over God-knows-what.  When they moved around, changing location every two weeks, they could be open without fear.  In the city's underground, where there were enough freaks, no one took enough notice of them to really care.  But returning to Sunnydale, meant everything would change.  Suddenly she and Giles wouldn't be allowed.  She didn't want what they had to turn into some dirty secret.  < Of course when I figure out what we have that will help. >

Their relationship was different from anything else she knew.  Depending on the day, their feelings, all the aspects of the relationship could change.  One moment they were sweet and safe, the next it was like an electrical charge connected them, and then there were some days when they didn't acknowledge there was anything between them at all.  And Giles always seemed to know which moment it was.

Her heart throbbed every time she whispered his name to herself.  She never knew when or where or how the mutual need they had for each other had transformed into love.  She wasn't even sure that that wasn't what it was in the first place.  But she was sure that love described what she and Giles had.

No losing Giles was something she could not handle.  < So I won't > That was just something Sunnydale would have to deal with.  Smiling, she reached for the phone.  Only she didn't make it.

*****

It all happened so fast that Giles didn't have time to react.  He caught the shadow that moved in behind Buffy out of the corner of his eye. Turning, the world slipped into slow motion as the vampire outside sunk his fangs into her neck.  No matter how much he tried, his muscles would not move fast enough.

Somehow he made it outside into the night, and his stake found its way into the vampire's back.  Ignoring the dust that invaded his lungs, he gathered up her trembling form and ran his fingers along her neck.  She had lost a great deal of blood and was losing still more.  "Giles . . ."  Her voice trailed off as she struggled to make him out.

"Don't worry.  I'll get you to a hospital.  You'll be fine."  He struggled to sound cheerful, all the while tears ran down his face. Mentally he calculated, they were only fifteen minutes away from Sunnydale, driving fast enough he might be able to make it there in time for her to be saved.  And if he didn't . . . < If I don't. She dies in the arms of the people who love her. >

*****

The nurses and doctors at Sunnydale Hospital weren't quite sure what to do with pale blonde girl, who had lost so much blood that they couldn't even begin to fathom how she had made it here.  They were even less sure what to do with the tall man who had burst in like a bat out of hell, and was now pacing in the tiny room like a caged animal.

"Mr. Giles?"

"Yes?"  Nurse Hallick cringed.  He had that same desperate note in his voice that they all had, but this man sounded like his entire life depended on what she about to tell him.  < And maybe it did. >

She had seen him here with her before.  Last year when all those children had wound up in the hospital.  He had been here everyday, reading to her when she was passed out, talking softly when she was awake.  But something had changed, now when he spoke to her it was in those same soft tones, yet his voice held promise and devotion and passion?.  Yes, passion.  He called her name in the way every woman dreamed of hearing a man speak to her.

"I'm afraid there's not much we can do."  She avoided his gaze.

"I understand.  Just . . . can you keep her alive until her family gets here?  They should be able to see her one last time.  They deserve that much."

"Normally we prefer . . ."  She looked up at the desperation written on his face, "I'll do what I can."  He nodded his silent thanks and made his way back over to the young woman.

*****

"Where is she?"  Nurse Hallick stopped in her tracks.  She pitied the man who was about to face that woman.

"Ms. Summers?"

"Where is she?"

"Room 222.  He's already in there."  The blonde woman and the teenagers who followed her didn't even hear her as they hurried down the hall.

"How is she?"

"Buffy?"

"Hey Buffster."

"Hi."

They all talked at once ignoring him, until he turned around to face them.  In his eyes they saw the answers to all their questions, and liked none of them.  The room fell into a tense silence.  Finally Joyce Summers looked up to meet his eyes.

"Xander, Willow, Oz?  Could you please leave now?"  They all shuffled out without a word.

"She's dying."

"How could you?"  Her voice was tight with pain.

"I'm not sure I could explain it."

"You knew how worried we were.  I went to bed every night picturing my little girl lying dead in some gutter.  And you knew where she was for an entire month.  How could you be so callous?"  He wasn't looking at her anymore.  Instead his focus rested entirely on Buffy.  Raising a hand he brushed away a strand of her hair with infinite tenderness.  At that moment everything came together for Joyce.

"Oh my god."  Horror clutched at her chest.  "You bastard.  You took away her chance at a normal childhood, and then you took advantage of her?  What kind of man are you?"  She was screaming now, and still he didn't look up.

"Look at me damn you."

"She's dying.  Please, just focus on her.  She needs you."

"She needed me a month ago."

"Look at her for one moment.  Just pay attention to your daughter.  I'm not sure how much longer she can hold on."

"Get out."  Terror swam in his eyes.

"Don't . . . please."

"Get the hell out of this hospital.  You are not welcome here."  All the fight left him.  Lifting Buffy's hand to his face, he pressed his cheek into her palm letting her feel the tears that flowed from his eyes.  His eyes closed as he pressed his lips to the center of her palm in a silent promise.  Then before Joyce could stop him, he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Buffy's lips.  Taking one final moment to drink her in with his eyes, he traced the contours of her face with his fingertips. Finally he turned to go.

"You make me sick."  He paused in the door frame.

"Please, judge me all you want, but for the little time she has left love her unconditionally.  That is all she needs, and that is what I gave her.  I will be outside."

He walked wearily down the hall not looking at anyone.  His vision had tunneled, and all he could see anymore was his life laying in a hospital bed in the room behind him.

*****

When they left the hospital, the light of dawn had begun to show in the sky.  They small group walked in silent shock,  none of them having quite processed that their remarkable friend was gone.  She had passed so quietly, without a fight that no one even realized she had left them for five minutes afterwards.

It was Xander who first saw him and gestured with his head towards the lone figure in the parking lot.  The group continued walking.

Willow was the one who finally stopped.  "This is wrong.  Someone should tell him."

"He'll figure it out."  Xander commented.

 "He deserves to know."

"So did we."

"I can't just leave him there.  She died crying out his name.  Don't you think that we may not understand everything that happened?"  Joyce continued to walk.

"Willow if you go over there.  You will not be at Buffy's funeral."  The redhead blanched, but remained firm and headed over to Giles' car.

The Watcher didn't even see her as she approached.  He continued to stare straight ahead, and recite in strange languages.

"Giles?"  The chanting continued.  Gathering her courage Willow looked in his eyes and continued.

"She's dead.  It didn't take long after you left."  And still he continue to whisper.

"She died asking for you."  His eyelids flickered and for a moment she was sure he saw her.  Then his gaze returned to the distant point it was fixed on.  Feeling that this might be the last time she would see him, Willow took the opportunity to notice everything she could about the man.

This wasn't the way she wanted to remember him.  He seemed to have aged overnight.  The lines on his face were deeper and his hands shook as he rocked back and forth.  The worst was his eyes.  She was looking into the eyes of a dead man.

As she walked away it finally sunk in with her what he was chanting. Death rituals, in every language, from every culture, every one that he knew.  Every one that he didn't believe in.  Empty prayers for the soul of the woman who made him whole.

*****

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