When Wakers Close Their Eyes
By Duchess Stephanie

Title: "When Wakers Close Their Eyes"
Author: Duchess Stephanie (ofiles19@aol.com)
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: To Solo, Cap, and Dria. All else with permission.
Summary: Third and final in the "Solililoquies to Those I Have Lost" series.

    When you cry, I feel the seams that hold the world together falling apart.

    You, you have big blue eyes that stretch on like the oceans for miles, and when the tears come down, angels fall.  Literally, as you know so well.  My universe comes crashing through the ceiling, and you have no idea.  You weep.  And my heart breaks.

    When you laugh, however, you light up from the inside, like whatever stray bit of mirth or merriment or general amusement at the somber spectacle of Life has lit you at your toes, and spread all through your body.  It spreads infectiously- when Buffy smiles, the world smiles with her.  I always do.

    Maybe someday I'll figure out where exactly I place, in what world.

    You are sunny and truly tragic, beguiling and introverted, light and dark, laughter and tears, reality and surreal fantasy or nightmare- a study in extremes and contrasts.  But your eyes have always been blue.

    Do you see me now?

    I see you, and it hurts.

    Like you sleep, you lie surrounded by flowers, like you are just another, placed on the pillow that cradles your head.  Being alone with you like this aches, like it always has, but this scenario crashes through my ears with the endless toll of finality.  I am here, holding your hand, but you know what?  I can't say good-bye.

    Somewhere out there, people are considering the future, what and whom will some next, but right here and now, time has frozen as a courtesy to me, and old friend who has seen and experienced too much.  If this were the end, I would take it, because I simply can't imagine what comes next.  Let the old ones consider fate and destiny- I cannot fathom a life without your smile.

    I wish I had your endless expressions, your animated pouts, frowns, moues, quirky grins, pursed lower lips, and drawn features in the face of danger, to hold on to.  Your face itself was ever active, ever alert, and ever beautiful.

    I don't really think you ever knew that.

    Now, at this last second, I am regretting that I never told you about the beauty of your smiles and your tears.  And your luminous blue orbs, that should never have experienced the lifetime they did.  I wish you knew how, at frequent key points, you were the focal point of my world.

    I wish I had told you that you *are* my world. 

    That both tears and laughter are bereft without you.

    That I love you.

    I wish I had told you to never close your eyes.

END