Someone to Crowd You with Love

Seconds tick forward, slowly stretching into eternity, and she sits there waiting for my answer. I know what it is, that’s easy—I’ll wrap her in my arms and whisper how long I’ve been waiting to hear those words, how much she filled my heart until I thought it would burst. The problem is making the words come out.

It’s not that I don’t want to say them. But I’ve been holding my breath forever, just waiting, poised on the edge of readiness for so long that I got tired, and I can’t quite seem to come awake. Now I open my mouth to let my heart pour out, and the air that is heavy with the words of her love rushes in clogging up my vocal cords crowding out every sound I could ever make.

Oh, God, I wasn’t prepared for this. This scene feels surreal sitting here holding on to each other, so afraid of each other. I’m being swallowed, falling without a net. The love in her eyes is so overwhelming, so powerful. I can’t react fast enough. The words are there in the back of my throat sluggishly making their way to the tip of my tongue. Faster. Things should be moving faster.

I never realized that it would be this powerful. Only three simple words that have been spoken with every look and gesture between us, but never uttered out loud. I always wondered about that. Why I could not simply bring myself to utter that statement, which both of us knew the truth of? "I love you," Simple, concise, open for interpretation . . . should be easy enough. Oh, I know now. For they are not open to interpretation, not open at all.

Instinctively, I know what she means. Two people who can read each other like a book. What a fool I was to even think there would be ambiguity in any statement, so meaningful. I can feel the meaning in the slight tremble of her hands, see it in the glistening moisture in her eyes, and hear it in the anguished hopeful whisper in her voice. There is no mistaking.

"Giles?" I think tremor in her hands reaches my brain before the fear in her voice for my ears are still stopped by her previous declaration ringing over and over like a choir of bells, louder with each passing until I am certain that will be the only thing I ever hear. "Giles, just say something!" A loud ferocious demand, but it is drowned out by the music playing within me, but then it drops off into a softly sobbed, "Please."

And the music quiets. Still ever present, but allowing me to think again because she needs me to. < Say something . . . Oh, Buffy it would be easier to command me to gather you all the stars in the sky for your bridal bouquet. > For there will be a wedding, and I will take her hands and pledge before all the powers above that might be listening of our love, my devotion, and challenge all the powers below that might dream of it to ever try to take her away from me. Still first I must move us beyond this second, this eternity into the next.

Speaking is not an option, so I have to trust in the communication we have had from the beginning. The one that cut through the lies, the hurt, the taunts, the banter---all the walls that we built, with one swift stroke and allowed the pure emotions to show through.

Willing my leaden hands to move, I lift her chin and hold her face so that she is forced to meet my eyes. There is a crackle of fire and hope that flows freely between us now, and while neither of us smile, she knows. Smiles will come later, for now this is a moment too overwhelming. Wanting to do more, I lift her hand that I still hold, never releasing her face with my other hand, and bring the palm to my lips. The move is unpredictably sensual and the crackle becomes an inferno now.

Who moves first I will never be able to say. I’m inclined to believe we move as one fluid body, no longer separate, but one in two. Either way within the passing of a thought I am standing next to the table holding her in my arms. Crowding each other, invading each other’s personal space as we have so many times before. Now we simply allow ourselves to feel the invasion and find that we don’t feel invaded at all.

Pressing my cheek against hers, I make no move. This is not the time for rapid, hazy, heated, passion. I am certain there will be many times from now that will be exactly the time. I want to savor this moment. This moment I want to stretch into an eternity of discovery. Make each second an hour, each hour a day, each day a year of learning her and loving her for the first time.

"Giles, what are you feeling right now?" just a soft whisper and for the first time today I hear no strain, but rather a curious wonderment that is echoed within my heart.

"A little scared, actually." Is that my voice? So shaky and emotional.

"Me, too." She whispers with certainty. "We can get through it, though. We’re brave. It’s not so bad when your dreams are on the other side."

"I was actually thinking the fear was rather bloody wonderful. I’m just not used to having dreams come true. It’s a little jarring."

"Oh." Still a whisper, buried in my shoulder, and I feel her tremble against me.

"Buffy? Are you crying?" They’re beautiful tears of happy emotions too long elusive, slowly trailing down her face like crystals, giving her the glistening ethereal beauty that I always see, but so many miss.

"I’ve just wanted to tell you so much and now I can’t find the words. Giles . . . Giles you kept me from dying, inside and out, you make me want to live forever just to be with you and . . ." Her voice trails off, for this entire time I have been devoting to learning how the soft skin of her face feels against my lips, and finally I have reached her lips.

Just a brief brush, a first taste, in a moment there will be a more concentrated study, but I can’t quite help the outpouring of emotion she has brought from me. Holding her to me as close as possible, wanting to feel crowded forever, I whisper. "Then love me and live . . . always."

*****

Someone to crowd you with love
Someone to force you to care
Someone to make you come through
Who’ll always be there as frightened as you
To help you survive
Being alive
Being alive

Make me alive
Make me confused
Mock me with praise
Let me be used
Vary my days
For alone
Is alone
Not alive

END