Someone You Have to Let In
"Buffy? Buffy are you there? I thought we were going grocery shopping today."
Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. I don’t know how I got myself into this mess. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I was supposed to move out and become the mature independent Buffy that he would be attracted to, so that when I finally stopped being so chicken and told him how much I love him and how much I can’t live without him, he would fall head over heels in love with me. That was the fairy tale. Unfortunately, I’m stuck in this ugly reality.
"Baby . . . who is that?"
And here comes reality now, in all his serious lapse-of-judgment glory. I don’t even really think anything of him. I don’t hate him or anything so severe. I just don’t think about him at all. Tim was just one of those boys that hung around a lot and kept asking me out until I ran out of reasons why not, and what’s worse is, Giles knows that. He knows that I never viewed Tim as having any potential, so when I open that door he going to know. He’s going to know that Tim is just a random, one night, non-serious thing, that at best maybe he’ll be around a month. And then what will he think of me? Will he think I’m easy or that I really don’t have any judgment or even worse will he think I really feel something for Tim?
"Baby you haven’t told me who it is . . ."
I take a few steps away to avoid Tim’s arms around my waist. The last thing I need is to start comparing how empty I feel when Tim touches me to how alive I feel when Giles does.
So maybe it isn’t fair to Tim. Maybe I made a really stupid decision, but what was I supposed to do? Yeah, I moved out telling myself that it was so Giles could move on with his life if he wanted to. I just didn’t expect him to want to. But when I went over yesterday and saw him kissing Amber through the window, reality hit me big time. And that reality led to this even worse one, which now has an arm wrapped possessively around my waist.
"It’s Giles." Maybe Tim hears how my voice breaks as I say his name, but I don’t care. If Giles comes in now it’s going to damage our relationship, no matter how ‘single’ we try to pretend we are. I know, because I know how betrayed I felt when I saw him with Amber. I wanted to charge in there and explain politely and rationally to her that he was mine. I’m sure she would have totally understood while I rambled on about soul mates and me just waiting to grow into the woman he wants.
"Your old roommate? Is he stalking you? Does he need to be taught a lesson about respect?"
"No, he doesn’t . . . Tim just . . . just stay out of this please."
"Buffy? Please, let me in. I think the neighbors are beginning to stare."
"You don’t have to let him in baby. You know that."
I want to laugh at how wrong Tim is. That’s the whole thing. I don’t have a choice. I have to let Giles in. I tried the whole pushing-him-away-and-closing-up-my-heart thing enough times to know that, while it feels okay at the time, it never lasts, because I don’t just need him in my life, I want him there. And no matter what, having him in my life results in him being in my heart. Besides, every time I push him away and then let him back in, he takes up more of my heart, and I’m not sure I have any left to give.
Yeah, I know that’s not really what Tim meant, but it doesn’t matter. Without fail, whatever anybody says regarding Giles brings me back to trying to figure out what to do about him. I’d come to a decision not to do anything. Figuring that if we stayed in this holding pattern, at least I wouldn’t lose him, but suddenly everything’s changed. Because I’m going to have to explain that Tim doesn’t mean anything to me, and then I’m going to have to explain why he’s here if he didn’t mean anything, and that leads to dangerous ground.
"Buffy, I’m not going anywhere." Giles tells me through the door.
I can’t explain it, but his voice calms me, as though he’s reading my mind and is easing all my worst fears. He won’t go anywhere. He’s shown me that before. No matter what horrible or stupid thing I do, he’s going to be there. Taking a few steps I rest my hand against the door as though feeling his reassuring presence behind it.
I haven’t forgotten about where Tim is right now, or what sort of state he’s in, but it doesn’t matter because this isn’t about Tim at all. This about me and Giles. That’s when it hits me. This is it. When I open this door everything is going to change, and maybe that’s a good thing.
