Uncontrollable

AUTHOR: Gabriele Schulz
EMAIL: gabi@gschulz.de
RATING: NC17 (nothing fancy though, but the sex is great for Buffy and Giles ;-)
DISTRIBUTION: The New Buffy/Giles Relationshippers, A Watcher's love. Others please ask first.
SPOILERS: up to (and including!) Graduation II
FEEDBACK: I like it quite much. Do you?
SUMMARY: See, what Solo84 came up with. I fought enough with the title ;-) B/G
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television, the WB Television Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
NOTES:
Set in my general post-GII-setting: Giles has a bookstore called "The Library", Buffy worked there during the summer, during which they grew quite close: I will from now on call that the "summer of bonding" (actually Willow called it that in a story idea, I had), for more detail see the pre-spell description of their relationship in "Paths".
Buffy is in college now and has a boyfriend called Michael.
Boy, did I fight with this title: To see, to say, to do; More than words; Love (dismissed as too general); Close; Contrary (emotions, what you say and feel, past and present...) were other ideas, before I came up with "Uncontrollable", which fits on enough levels to please me :-)
DATE: 7/6/99

Giles prepared everything to close the store, when he heard the bell. He turned around only to find not a customer, but Buffy's boyfriend Michael.

"Hello, Michael."

As always he was so polite, that anyone who didn't know him as well as Buffy or the Slayerettes, would take it as actual sympathy. Michael did so and was always flattered knowing how much Mr. Giles' opinion meant to Buffy. Although he never quite had grasped why. She had started working here, when Mr. Giles had opened the store and he had only later found out that he had been the librarian at her highschool. But he had obviously been more to them, though Willow had been quite vague as to why they had hung out in the library only mumbling something about problems and that Giles (that was what they all called him) always tried to help them out. And it seemed that that was still the case, for sometimes he picked Buffy up at "The Library" and saw the others looking at him from the door that was labeled 'Private'. He had asked Buffy once, what the hell they were doing in there but she had become evasive, as she sometimes tended to be, and just said something about a kind of reading club. He hadn't pushed for more, although he found it hard to believe, especially with that Xander-guy, who didn't seem like anyone who would voluntarily *touch* a book, let alone read it. But they were Buffy's closest friends and strange as they sometimes seemed, he liked them, although he had the feeling that wasn't mutual. Willow was always very nice to him, but he thought, that was because Buffy loved him and only because of that. Oz was polite, nothing more or less. And Xander was - hostile. And he only cared to cover that hostility when Buffy was around and even then, he didn't try very hard at covering. Buffy had told him to not take it too personal. He had been in love with her and it had been the same with her ex-boyfriend. But Mr. Giles genuinely seemed to like him and he was glad of that approval.

"Hello, Mr. Giles. Buffy said I should wait for her here."

Of course she would. Giles knew she was out slaying and it would be difficult to explain to Michael, why she looked like she had fought for her life. And the truth was out of the question. At least for now. He wondered when it would be necessary to tell Michael the truth and couldn't help wishing that their relationship was over before that point. He felt guilty for that thought. Buffy deserved to be happy. And Michael provided everything she wanted and needed in a man right now.

Most of all he was a normal guy. Not a vampire, in fact not even aware that these creatures of the night really existed and that Buffy was chosen to fight them. And though that meant she had to lie to him once in a while, she was glad that she didn't have to worry him or worry about him.

He was handsome, though more in a normal-guy kind of way and not as striking as Angel. He was intelligent, but not a smart-ass. He was humorous, but quite contrary to Xander in his expression of it. He was more subtle and tended to win over Xander, when they fighted for jokes, even though often Xander was the last to realize that. And though Michael's humour was always fitting and never annoying like Xander's, Giles would prefer Xander to him anytime. And though that was natural considering that he loved Xander and couldn't bring himself to even like Michael, he thought it should be easier for him to overcome his jealousy. After all it was to be expected that Buffy would fall in love with someone (and not himself) sooner or later and as Buffy's friend, Watcher, father-replacement and whatever else he was to her in addition to being her employer he should try to like Michael.

Especially since he was so likeable.

He knew that Michael had to seem flawless to Buffy. He himself could only find him a little too shy and he was suspicious of his ability to keep his hands off Buffy. Giles knew that that was probably only in front of others, they had been intimate after all. (Buffy had been happy to share that with him the morning after, and he had hid his own pain at that news under a mask of polite happiness for her.) And still he found it somewhat disturbing that Michael never seeked to touch her and be near her. He just kissed her when he arrived and left. And that was after all something Giles himself did too. Well, of course not on the mouth. No, although they had grown very close over the summer and although that closeness included a fair amount of physical contact (such as hugs and Buffy's being too lazy to get a chair from the backoffice and instead sitting on his lap), it had never come to the point he so longed for. But he hadn't expected anything else. (Expected not, but he hadn't been able to stop hoping.) Now she was with Michael though. And she was very happy with him. And Giles could make his own life so much easier if he could bring himself to like Michael. After all, Michael himself seemed to like him, just as he liked all of Buffy's friends.

"Would you like some tea, while we're waiting for her."

He held up his arm indicating the backoffice. A smile lit up Michael's face at the prospect of being invited into 'their' room.

"Sure."

Giles opened the backoffice door for him and pointed at the couch. Michael sat down looking around, while Giles prepared the tea.

What caught his eye first, was the wall on his right, where a large sketch hung, surrounded by postcards, photos and printouts. On the sketch he recognized Buffy, Willow, Xander, Oz and Mr. Giles. Then there was another girl, whom he had seen before on photos. Her name was Cordelia and she was obviously the artist of the sketch. There was a caption: Dear Giles, a piece of old times for the new "Library" from Cordelia. There was also another person, though he was drawn more lightly and not as detailed as if Cordelia hadn't been sure whether or not to include him at all. Perhaps it was Angel.

Giles came with two mugs, giving one to Michael and placing the other on the table.

"I'll just lock the store."

He went out and Michael took a closer look at the pictures around Cordelia's sketch. Most of them were taken in this room. Obviously someone had decided to shoot away a whole roll of film one night. There was a lovely picture of Willow sitting on Oz' lap, then one of Buffy and Xander mocking the same pose. There was one of Xander and Giles, the former grinning, the latter glaring in response. There were random shots of one or more of them reading, eating or laughing or all at the same time. And there was one shot of Buffy sitting next to Giles on the couch. He had a huge book on his lap and one of his arms were around Buffy's shoulder, whereas she had both arms around his waist. Her head was leaning on his shoulder and his head was bent towards hers, so that his cheek touched her hair.

Michael suddenly realized that it was not one of the pictures they had posed for and as so often before he wondered about how close Buffy and Mr. Giles seemed to be.

There were also pictures from other occasions including their graduation. A picnic, Oz and his band and also a flyer advertising a beauty shop in Los Angeles. He wondered what that was about before recognizing Cordelia as the satisfied customer pictured on it. Right of the sketch hung a frame with portraits of all of them. Just the kind of family pictures everyone had in their house. Then there was a beautiful shot of Buffy. She smiled at the camera and recognizing the love in her eyes he wondered if Angel had taken the picture. He turned to the door and saw Mr. Giles standing there and watching him.

"I was just looking at the photographs. That's a beautiful shot of Buffy. Did Angel take that?"

Giles frowned slightly.

"No, I did."

Michael was a little surprised then looked at the picture again. He tried to imagine how they had taken the picture. How Buffy had smiled like that at Mr. Giles.

He turned around to him again and saw that he had taken a seat at the table not to far from the couch.

"I never realized how close you were."

Giles looked at the pictures, his gaze stopping on the one with him and Buffy on the couch.

"Well... yes."

He just said.

Michael smiled.

"I think that very often actually. But I guess that's okay. I just hope I won't find out some day that you are secretly her father."

Giles smiled.

"No, I think I can guarantee that."

"They are your family, aren't they?"

He pointed at the pictures.

"Yes."

"I sometimes think, it's the same for Buffy. It's always 'Willow this, Xander that'. Well, most of all it's 'Giles said...' or 'Giles thinks...'"

Giles smiled more to himself than to Michael.

"You mean a lot to her."

He looked at the young man before him. Michael was smiling. He could only admire his lack of jealousy. But then again, Michael couldn't know, through how much they had been together. And he had probably no idea, how close they really were.

"And she means a lot to you."

When Buffy heard that she stopped. She had entered "The Library" with her key and had approached the door, just about to tell Giles, that she was here because Michael wanted to pick her up, when she had heard them talking. She had listened and wanted to enter the room, when Michael had said "And she means a lot to you".

She didn't exactly know why she stopped at that and why she was leaning to the wall next to the open door now, standing absolutely still.

"Eh... yes she does."

"I can understand that. She is so... beautiful."

"She is indeed, although I think that is one of the least of her qualities."

"Of course. I know she is so... just wonderful."

Buffy smiled.

"I believe it is very hard to put into words what she is."

"Lively would be one of it."

"Charming."

"Humorous."

"Stubborn."

"But in a good way."

"She is the bravest person I know."

"Well... she is... she is so cute."

"She is gracious. Strong. Tender. Mature, yet often childish. Well maybe only sometimes."

She smiled at Giles' words, but as he went on she felt something else building in her.

"She is kind and totally selfless, when she has to. And yet she knows when to stop. When to take a break and enjoy yourself. And she not only stops herself, but also others. She lives. And she gives life."

While Buffy felt a lump in her throat and tears filling her eyes, Michael watched Giles, who was looking at no particular point, buried deep in his thoughts.

"It's very hard not to love her."

"Yes." It was nearly inaudible and Giles suddenly looked up at Michael.

"What did you say?"

"I said, it's very hard not to love her."

"Well, I guess that might be true. There must be quite an amount of fellow students, whose hearts where broken, when you came in the picture."

He tried to smile, but the young man just said.

"I can only assure you, that I truly love her and that I'll do everything to prove worthy of her love."

Giles just nodded.

"I guess, I'll check if Buffy's coming."

Buffy tensed, but didn't move. The light in the salesroom was out and he didn't switch it on when he came out. Buffy tried hard to breath evenly, but her heart was pounding so madly, that she thought he had to hear it. But Giles just went to the door and looked out on the street. When he turned around he leaned to it and took the glasses off, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He put the glasses back on and when he looked up, he saw Buffy standing at the wall next to the backoffice door.

"Buffy."

He switched on the light. Michael came out the door.

"Hello Buffy."

He stood in the door and just smiled at her, then at Giles.

He wished he could wipe that smile off Michael's face. But he said nothing and just walked towards the backoffice door avoiding to look at Buffy, who's eyes were glued to him all the time. He went past Michael and just wished them fun, before closing the door and thereby pushing Michael out.

He sat down at the table. He listened closely and when the door was closed he sighed in relief. He felt as if he had been trapped by Michael. This boy had unintentionally (at least in the beginning) made him confess (at least in some way) what he had hidden for so long now. And worst of all Buffy might have heard it too. He knew that Michael would never tell her. That he would respect his need to keep that secret from Buffy and that made him even more sick. But it was still better than someone else. Someone who sooner or later would tell Buffy. She probably hadn't heard it anyway and even if so. Why would it mean that he loved her? Well, if even Michael, who didn't know him at all took it that way, Buffy had to be blind not to see it like that. But on the other hand maybe Buffy was too close to him to see it. She hadn't after all during all those time, so why now?

He heard the door behind him and turned around surprised.

"Buffy, what are you doing here? Have you forgotten something? Didn't you manage to kill the demon?"

"We need to talk."

He wanted to say something, but she interrupted him, before he could start.

"I sent Michael away. We're alone."

She sat down on the couch and patted next to her, to tell him he should join her on the sofa, but he stayed in his chair.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I heard you."

"Well... then you must glad about how devoted Michael is to you."

"Is it true?"

"What?"

"Do you...love me?"

He looked down, then straight into her face.

"No. At least not that way. Of course I love you like..."

"A daughter?"

"A friend. A slayer. I love all of you."

"So you love me like... Xander?"

"Well, all in all yes."

"I understand."

She clearly didn't. And even if she did understand him she very obviously didn't believe him.

"I guess I'll go then."

She went past him to the door. He looked at the mug in front of him waiting for the door to be closed. But it didn't, because Buffy stopped in the door and watched him. When it was clear that he wouldn't turn around she spoke.

"You know, you were right. It's nice to hear, that someone is devoted to you. Especially if that someone loves you so much. If he's handsome in his own way. If he has such a beautiful smile and such a cute body. If he can make you laugh and cry and if he's always there for you. If he watches, when he thinks you're not seeing him. If he's smart, but never makes you feel dumb. If he shares his knowledge as he shares everything with you."

Was she trying to torture him? Did he deserve this for lying to her for the first time since...

"If he is the most wonderful person in the world, who means more to you than you could ever put into words. You're right, Giles. It's wonderful to be loved, even by someone who lies to you about it."

He turned around.

"Say it. I know, that I don't have the right to ask you this favor, because I can offer nothing in return. At least not what you want to hear."

He got up from the chair and walked towards her.

When he was standing in front of her, he looked down into her eyes.

"I love you."

Then he bent down to kiss her, but she backed away.

"Don't. I don't..."

"Just let me try."

He was fealing brave now, knowing that everything would be different from now on and that he had only one chance to turn it into the direction he wanted to. It would only work if Buffy loved him, but somehow he felt hopeful, more hopeful in fact than he had in all those years of dreaming about her.

He kissed her.

At first she didn't respond and kept her hands at his chest trying to push him away, not with real force though. If she really wanted to push him away, she could easily do so. She wondered what she was so afraid of. She had been the one who had wanted him to say it. Who had needed to hear what they both knew was true. He deserved his chance. And he deserved one kiss. It was the least she could give him. After all they had been through together.

She started to return his kiss and was amazed to feel... it. That feeling deep in your stomach. What was happening to her? The tongue that trailed her lips sent jolts through her whole body and she couldn't help but move her own tongue to meet his. Her whole body was shuddering and she was glad that he held her so firmly, because she felt her knees give away. Her right hand had moved into his hair and she suddenly realized that her left hand was working to remove his tie. What was she thinking? Not very much. Thought was replaced by need and desire. When his tie was gone, she started to unbutton his shirt. When she was halfdone she slipped her hand inside his shirt to stroke his skin.

And then she knew what she wanted.

She pushed him away from her to look into his eyes.

"What?"

"I... Do you know what I want?"

He shook his head.

"I want you."

He smiled and wanted to kiss her again, but she held him back.

"I want to take you on that couch. I want you inside me and I want to make you scream. And I want you to make me scream."

He looked at her not knowing what to say.

And she didn't know what she wanted him to say. She just wanted him to see how amazing this was. After all this time.

"Do you remember the day we first met?"

"Of course I do."

"I was so young back then. And so afraid. I'm not afraid anymore, Giles. So much time."

He watched her. He had no idea what she was talking about or at least what she was trying to say. But then again it was hard for him to concentrate after she had told him what she wanted to do. This was promising to be as good as he had always dreamed it would be. And he was a good dreamer.

She dragged him into another kiss and when she had removed his shirt they slowly started towards the couch, removing all of their clothes on the way.

Then he sat down on the couch and she straddled him impaling herself on him. She just looked into his eyes for awhile, relishing the love and desire she saw there.

She traced his face with her hands, looking for words to express what she felt. Then she knew.

"I love you."

He gasped and said.

"I love you, too. God, how much I love you, Buffy."

Then they started to move together, slowly at first, then faster and harder as the passion grew.

Buffy felt her climax building and she realized that it would be like nothing she had experienced before. Not with Angel or Michael, not alone or in her dreams. The intensity of it brought tears to her eyes and she felt overwhelmed and a little afraid. She looked into Giles' eyes and though she could see, that for him, too, it was nothing he had ever experienced before, there was no fear, but only love and encouragement. She kissed him again and tried to prepare herself for the almost painful pleasure that started to capture both of them. She wanted to say something, but couldn't speak any longer. Moans escaped her mouth and as they tried to increase the pressure of their thrusts even more she felt her orgasm building. Sounds of pure pleasure came from their mouths as they worked towards the climax. Their hearts raced and they shared the feeling that they had to explode if they didn't reach their release soon. Buffy felt tears rolling down her cheeks and when she looked at him, she saw that he, too, was weeping. One more thrust and they both screamed the name of the other. She thought that she had to die as she felt his seed stream into her. Her whole body spasmed, as did his. The intensity of it was so great, she thought it would never go away and when it started to fade she thought, that it must have shattered her to pieces, for she felt like she was falling apart.

Then she was in his arms, weeping uncontrollably. But that subsided soon together with her panting and when her heartbeat returned to a rate that could possibly be survived she said.

"God, Giles, I think I'll die, if it's always like this."

"I know what you mean. And I don't think it will always be like this. It can't be. That would be..."

"...too much."

"Yes. After all the mere fact that you love me is all I ever wished for."

"Why did you lie to me?"

"I was afraid. I didn't dare to hope."

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"I had no choice after telling you. And there was something in your eyes."

"Love?"

"Fear. And somewhere inside me, I knew there was only one thing you could be afraid of."

"I didn't know that I loved you."

"And I knew from the beginning. It doesn't matter. We know now."

She kissed him. She felt a rush of pleasure run through her, not sure whether it was still the aftermath of that almost unbearably wonderful first time or if it was the beginning of the next. She wanted him to be on top this time.

She moved her hands down his back to his ass and gripped his cheeks firmly before lying her back on the couch. They managed to end up with him on top of her between her legs - without him slipping out of her.

He slowly started to move in and out of her, kissing her at the same time. When he stopped the kiss, she sighed in contentment with the moment. Her eyes were closed and he slightly increased the speed. She felt still too exhausted to do anything, but admire his energy. She was the Slayer. And her Watcher (her twice as old Watcher she might add) was the one pushing them towards another orgasm. She smiled.

When she opened her eyes to look straight into his, the love she saw there once again made her eyes water. She gulped.

God, would she cry everytime they made love? Wasn't sex supposed to be fun? Not that she wasn't enjoying his actions. But how great could life be, if she had to cry whenever she saw the love in his eyes.

"I love you."

Great. Now she had to cry even more. When he saw that he stopped.

"What is it, Buffy? Do you want me to..."

"No! Just... I still have to get used to... God, Giles, you love me so much, which is great, don't get me wrong, but I think right now it's just too overwhelming."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"Go on, but don't tell me that you love me and don't look at me with...", she looked into his beautiful eyes, "...those eyes."

She pulled him into a savage kiss. Then she whispered into his ear.

"I've never seen so much love in anyone's eyes. But do yo know what is even more amazing?"

"No."

"That no matter how much love I see in your eyes or hear in your words, I know that I feel the same. I have never loved anything or anyone like I love you. And I never will."

He lifted his head to look into her eyes.

"I love you, Giles."

His eyes filled with tears of joy.

"See what I mean? We cry way too much for two people making love."

He laughed.

"Maybe we talk too much."

"Maybe we talk too little. So you think I sometimes am childish?"

He hesitated for a moment, deciding whether to go along with her bantering. He didn't mind about the intensity of their feelings and the tears that came with it. At least not as much as Buffy seemed to, but he could understand her need for relief. Jokes had always been their way of handling especially tough situations.

He wondered if Xander would just crack jokes after the kind of lovemaking they had just experienced. What could he possibly say? And how much time would it take for the woman to recuperate enough to be able to hit him or at least glare at him? He chuckled.

"What? So childish that it makes you laugh?"

"No. I was thinking about Xander."

"Xander?! Eh, Giles, when you said that you loved me like Xander... that was a lie, right? I mean, you don't feel the same about Xander?"

As a reply he began pumping in and out of her again.

"That's not an answer!"

"Maybe this is."

He increased the speed and started kissing her neck.

"Giles!"

"I only love you." He whispered into her ear.

He moved his mouth over her chin to the other side of her neck. "But if you don't quit nagging I might have to give it a try."

She hit him and moved her legs around him pushing him deeper inside her.

"And if you don't stop complaining we'll never do it in all the places you dreamed about."

"We won't anyway."

She looked at him serious now.

"Why not?"

"They were mostly in the old library."

She knew that she should laugh, but was unable to, because she missed the library so much and most of all because she was so touched by the fact, that he had wanted to make love with her there. While they kept thrusting, she thought about the old library. The table, the counter, the stacks, the cage. Endless possibilities. Endless opportunities. She felt like crying again. This time not because of the overwhelming love and not over the loss of the library. She mourned the years that they had spent together and yet alone. But she didn't want to feel sad now. She wanted to think uplifting, if necessary silly thoughts.

Then she imagined, what his reaction had been, had she tried to seduce him that first day, instead of running away. He probably would have choked.

"What is so funny?"

"I just thought that you probably would have choked if I had suggested doing this, when I first met you."

"Maybe. But maybe I just would have said 'Very well Ms. Summers. Which position and place would you prefer. And by the way, if you want to scream a name while you're coming: It's Mr. Giles.'"

They both burst out laughing, no longer able to keep up their rhythm. When they were under reasonable control again, Buffy said.

"Maybe we should stop talking after all."

"Maybe."

They started thrusting again, concentrating on the movement and the feeling of the other. And this time when he told her, that he loved her, she smiled in return.

"I love you, too, Giles. I love you so much."

END